Anyone else feeling a little nauseous at the mere mention of this slogan, “NoAging4me”? And if it wasn’t vomit inducing enough on its own, it still gets worse. If you ask me, there’s not a lot of trust I can place in a company that can’t even use whole words or correct spelling and grammar when describing its products. Yet “NoAging4me”, or “NA4Me for short”, actually appears on the website promoting their products. Like watching a car crash or some other terrible thing, I probably shouldn’t have, but I had to find out more.
Looking for anything on the NoAging4me website is like a dumb version of Where’s Waldo, like a little game of Spot The Typo:
“NoAging4Me® the most avance [sic] anti-aging line in the world. Period.”
Period indeed, because I’m already distracted and confused by how you can’t spell “advanced” yet I’m expected to trust and buy these products to put on my skin. OK Jeunesse Global, OK NoAging4Me.
So, who is responsible for NoAging4Me? With only a little bit of digging around Google, I quickly found out that NoAging4Me was brought to us by the nauseatingly smug and dishonest people at Jeunesse Global, that’s who!
Another Jeunesse Global “patent-pending” creation, the NoAging4Me Anti-Aging skin care range and supplements or “NA4Me® for short” (remember?), claims to be a:
“…more powerful and faster acting supplement than has previously existed.”
They follow that up saying that you’ll see “100% results”, while you “look younger” and “live longer” too.
Two words come to mind: no shame. At all. Jeunesse Global is already dealing with complaints from the Federal Communications Commission yet they continue to cross the line by aggressively and dishonestly tapping into the insecurities of women and men. The brains behind the NoAging4Me are exploitative in their promotion of a “proprietary Anti-aging secret formula”. And who wouldn’t want to buy into the fantasy of “look younger…live longer”? Who, deep down, doesn’t want to not believe that Jeunesse Global just makes things up to sell product? Who wouldn’t want Jeunesse Global and NoAging4Me to actually deliver on their promises of a real anti-aging secret formula?
Maybe the better question is who else but Jeunesse Global would sell their skin care with lies about being “forever young”? But let me take a step back, maybe I’m wrong. Maybe this is a rogue, one man effort in the NoAging4Me department at Jeunesse Global, maybe there’s just a single, marketing department, Bob Dylan super-fan to blame for NoAging4Me. And maybe this rogue agent has been unleashed to create bat-shit crazy and questionably legal things like NoAging4me because that’s just how they do things at Jeunesse.
Unfortunately, we have no way of confirming this rogue agent theory and, to be fair, it probably doesn’t pan out anyway. What does pan out is that as full of confusion between “chemicals” and “toxins” as they are of clichés, there’s no doubting that the powers that be at Jeunesse Global lack the gift of original thought. Only Jeunesse Global could be shameless and unoriginal enough to describe the nonsense that is NoAging4me as “The secret to cheat your age” and the solution to “live longer” or “Hollywood’s secret”.
Speaking of Hollwood’s secrets, is The King, Elvis Presley, still alive? Is Michael Jackson frozen in a block of ice somewhere? Do the Rothchilds and illuminati guide the hand of all things Hollywood? No, we’ll never know about Hollywood’s best kept secrets except for the most important one of course. Thanks to Jeunesse Global, we are all now privy to the best, sorry, I mean worst kept secret in Hollywood: NoAging4Me. Since it’s all out there, let’s dig a little deeper into this secret.
According to their site, NoAging4me supposedly opened up shop back in 1999. The truth is, of course, that they just started the brand in 2015. It’s actually a real shame for all the Hollywood stars that have passed away though, because they could have lived on a little longer and happier using NoAging4Me Anti-Aging’s most important feature to “help you feel and function more like a younger person”. If that isn’t motivation enough for us to want to buy what Hollywood’s elite have kept secret for so long (again, since the old days of 2015), then we are told that NoAging4Me will also “help you feel better, look younger and improve your health”.
So what goes into the NoAging4Me Anti-Aging products to make them “help you feel better”? Not to shy away from blowing their own trumpet, NoAging4Me is described by the website as “the Holy Grail in the beauty industry”. But that’s as close as we get to being told the mechanism by which this can “improve your health”. Obviously, it wouldn’t be helpful for them to ever explain what ingredients afford such great results, instead the Jeunesse Global b-team decided to totally overshoot and just go straight to telling us that their product is literally “holy” in their industry. Somehow, I doubt Pope Francis would agree.
Next, of course, are the usual Jeunesse Global empty words about DNA, telomeres, and cells. Again, this is stuff we know to have basis in scientific fact and it is information that Jeunesse Global cleverly uses to bait and switch us. On their website, they say:
“Everyone has special cells called adult stem cells which are needed to repair damaged and old tissue; however adult stem cells themselves are also deteriorating with age. Until now there was not much you could do about it.”
Maybe because they realize that they don’t really have an argument, the NoAging4Me sales pitch goes into panic mode after this. They immediately start boasting about the status of famous people that use it, without much in the way of names, mind you:
“Our patients included famous politicians, Hollywood stars, real estate tycoons, and other notable people who could afford it.”
And this is interesting too. Here we have the claim that NoAging4Me Anti-Aging range was created because “only the rich and famous could afford to harness the power of telomere technology”. With this, NoAging4Me is positioned as a gift to all of us miserable and aging Average Joes and Janes that aren’t supposed to have what the “famous politicians, Hollywood stars,” and my favorite, “real estate tycoons” have. Really, Jeunesse Global, you’re too kind, you shouldn’t have. You really, actually, literally shouldn’t have.
If there is any lingering doubt that NoAging4Me, a Jeunesse Global brand, peddles anything more than placebo products, you have to take notice that the NoAging4Me people actually brag about wanting to avoid the regulations created by the authority of the Food and Drug Administration (FDA). The FDA exists to protect people from harmful food and medicines, yet they talk about beating the FDA in their mission to keep consumers safe like it’s something great. This is as good as confessing to their criminal and deceptive advertising tactics, which they’ve already been busted for by TINA.org.
“Reverse Your Biological Age Without A Prescription. We now have a safe and proven way to ‘turn on’ these disease-killing genes in your body right now without expensive therapies, doctor visits or interference from the FDA.”
If that doesn’t bowl you over to really convince you that your hard-earned dollars should go to “the fountain of youth in a pill” maybe their spit and sawdust themed website will. The NoAging4me website is hashed together to make it look like the work of an unassuming brand that doesn’t know the wood from the trees when it comes to being a slick beauty products company. Look, Jeunesse Global, this is the 21st century, anyone with a computer and google search can make a decent looking website, here’s a tip from me: go to themeforest.net and get yourself something that doesn’t look so intentionally bad. And yet despite all the other nasty behavior and lies about their products, Jeunesse Global still goes through the trouble of pretending like they are some naive start up company revealing a secret of the rich and famous with their NoAging4me.
The NoAging4me pictures are gumtree awful, the colors are wrong, the layout is in shambles and as I’ve mentioned the elementary school grammar is enough to make me sick again. Of course, they’re making so much money selling snake oil that I guess they need to have something to do with their time, even if it is faking a website to look like it has nothing to do with a multi million dollar company.
In conclusion, noaging4me.com is a great website to visit if you’d like to give your eyes and mind an exhausting workout in frustration. I have to honestly say that Noaging4me.com was a suprisingly good read though. It’s filled with science fiction, fantasy, comedy, drama – you know what, I take it back – maybe NoAging4me is indeed “Hollywood’s best kept secret”. It has all the features of a blockbuster movie without the ticket price. Well, it’s free to check out the site unless you buy the product because then you better take out a loan to afford it. And, in case you were planning to, don’t forget NoAging4Me’s wisdom: “AGE IS JUST A NUMBER. And wrinkles are just a memory”. Barf. Don’t buy this stuff.